How to Communicate with People Who Blame Others and Refuse to Take Responsibility
Some people in distress magically absolve themselves of all responsibility for their behavior and feelings. They blame everyone and everything for what has happened, absolve themselves of any fault, and whine and complain about how difficult and boring everything is. These people have an excuse for everything. When things don’t go their way, or when someone tries to hold them accountable, they lash out vindictively, as if it were your fault that they’re in trouble.
Behind the Scenes
People who blame others but are themselves blameless need positive interaction—a lively and cheerful exchange filled with humor and movement. If they don’t get this positive interaction, they try to obtain it in a negative way by blaming others. This draws others into power struggles over responsibility, which leads to negative interaction. No one wins if we spend all our time cornering the guilty parties and trying to convince them that they are responsible.
These people are naturally spontaneous, creative, and playful, and they hate the emotional discomfort associated with personal responsibility. So, to avoid this, they blame others, complain, and lash out vindictively. Paradoxically, this only leads others to try to exert more control and restrict them—which is exactly the opposite of what they need to succeed. Ultimately, they end up being disciplined or fired.
A very important characteristic of accusers is that they don’t care if they suffer themselves, as long as others suffer with them. They are more than willing to let people go down with the ship. Threats, sanctions, and punishments are therefore ineffective, because if the guilty party doesn’t care, the punisher will ultimately have to bear all the suffering.
Does this sound familiar?
- Use your creativity and sense of humor to solve the problems ahead, rather than avoiding them.
- When things get tough or you feel uncomfortable about something you've done, it's okay to feel that way, admit it, and work through it. You'll love it later!
- It's okay to vent, as long as it doesn't turn into whining or avoidance. Consider whether you want to put a "silencer" on your negative reactions.
- Satisfy your need for social connection by incorporating plenty of fun and physical activity into your life. Games, sports, or spending time with friends will give you the energy you need to do the things that aren't as much fun.
Tips for communicating when the person you're talking to is showing this kind of distress
- Keep things casual with these people, even when you're discussing serious topics. It's okay to use slang or less formal language.
- Exercise is key. Whenever possible, move around, get up, and/or use a game to get things done.
- Avoid preaching about expectations, values, morals, or ethics. These come across as judgmental and condescending.
- Avoid emotional appeals. Keep it short and to the point.
This article is part of the series“How to Communicate with People in Distress.” In this series, we explore the six common types of distress.
Read all the articles now to find out what goes on behind the scenes at Distress and how you can respond positively.
How to Communicate with People Who
- are overly controlling and critical
- Waging crusades and imposing religious beliefs
- manipulate and create negative drama
- withdraw and not respond
- make silly mistakes and lose the trust of others
Originally published in 2017 by Next Element Consulting (www.next-element.com), translated into German by KCG.
