Trigger—stepping through the basement door!

Keep your hand on the basement doorknob!

Years ago, our gas water heater was serviced by a heating technician who came across as quite brash and spoke to me condescendingly: “Young lady, do you know where the main switch is?”

Yeah, I really would have liked to say that to him. “Uh—sorry, excuse me… I’m not really sure myself…”

Does this sound familiar? That moment right before you spiral into stress? When you can barely keep your composure—and then suddenly you can’t anymore? According to the Process Communication Model®, this is our “driver behavior.” After that, we quickly descend into the “basement,” and being in the basement means being in distress. When we’re in the “driver” state, we already have our hand on the basement doorknob, so to speak.

When we're in the "driver" mode, we're no longer in that balanced "Okay-Okay" mindset.

I myself am a basic empath. When it comes to my driver—the “Do-It-Right Driver”—I feel: You’re okay—I’m only okay if I do things right for you! Then I apologize over and over again and start to feel insecure.

Off to the Distress Cellar!

I didn't have a clue what the plumber was telling me or what he actually wanted from me. "If the water gets shut off at Christmas, what are you going to do?" he snapped at me.

And inside, I fell down the basement stairs—into my personal stress pattern, the whiner. At the thought of spending Christmas without water, my clear thinking went out the window. A deep, shivering inhale, a sighing exhale. A lump in my throat, my gaze fixed on the floor. I bumped into the doorframe and apologized for it. Tears welled up in my eyes. “I’m such an idiot.”

When my husband asked later what was going on with the gas water heater, I whined, “I don’t know … The guy said something about the water being shut off for Christmas!”

My husband first gave me a hug—“Oh, my dearest darling”—then made me some tea and sat down with me.

From his questions, it became clear that the heating technician had wanted to know whether I would be able to get the boiler up and running again on my own if an error message appeared—for example, on a holiday, when I wouldn’t be able to get help from his company right away.

As a basic empath, my husband’s loving acceptance helped me climb back out of my “distress cellar.” Recognition as a person—as the person I am—is what I need. That recharges my inner battery. A cup of tea also helps when I get to drink it with a loved one who listens to me and shows understanding.

Everyone has their own driving force. Everyone has their own "distress cellar."

Yes, life would be easier if everyone thought the way I do. But that’s not the case. And what stresses me out leaves others completely unfazed. There are different types of stress: in addition to the whiner, there’s the aggressor and the blamer.

Above all, there are various “warnings signs” of stress: six different triggers.

The heating technician, too—annoyed by my timid string of excuses—revealed his own driving force: “You have to be strong for me.” “Well, what are you going to do then? Are you going to put up with this—no water over the holidays?” I’m okay—you’re only okay if you’re strong for me. That’s the driving force of the “doer.”

Today, I am familiar with the Process Communication Model® and am learning to recognize driver behaviors—both in myself and in those around me.

More and more often, this helps me avoid misunderstandings. When I recently called the plumbing company to ask when our sink would be delivered, the employee on the other end of the line claimed he had neither my order nor my sink. I had to take a deep breath. But instead of saying, “Actually, we’d already discussed this—I’m sorry, could you maybe check again?” I was able to say:

“Check it out. Bring it over and install it. I need the sink tomorrow.” And what can I say—he checked, and it was there. The next day, the sink was installed.